I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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