i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
whose parrot is this?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
