I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
