I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
