I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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