Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
