I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
