Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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