believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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