I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
