Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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