then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Pants are for mortals
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
