My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
