I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
