god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm always down for nudity.
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