We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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