MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
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