I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
