I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
