Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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