I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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