ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
