i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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