I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
