i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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