My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
