I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
sarcasm needs its own font
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
