I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
