I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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