Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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