my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
