I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
