This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My cat gives me a boner
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Randomize
