what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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