In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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