i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
