Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
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I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
he's gonorrhea incarnate
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
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Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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