dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
