Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
