Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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