I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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