I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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