i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
