I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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