i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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