Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
