I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
