worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
