So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
A+ Viking dick
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
