Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
