I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
