she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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