im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
