I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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