everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
